Good news! Jesus is back. This time his name is Justin. He’s not from Nazareth, but from Stratford, Ontario. Apart from that he’s the new Messiah in each and every way. Don’t belieb me?
Well, the evidence is overwhelming.
A while ago Justin was caught in a Brazilian brothel. Experts believe he was there to have sex with women.
Kinda reminds me of that time Jesus was spotted with a hooker named Mary. It was quite the scandal back in the day.
A while ago Justin was arrested for drunk driving in a Lamborghini.
Kinda reminds me of that time Jesus ticked off the authorities by driving a donkey into Jerusalem.
A while ago Justin arrived two hours late for one of his concerts. Fans were outraged.
Kinda reminds me of that time Jesus came down from Gethsemane to find his apostles had gone to sleep without him.
A while ago Justin got sued. His song Somebody to love supposedly wasn’t his.
Kinda reminds me of the time the Jews felt like waiting for another savior and claimed Jesus was a false prophet.
A while ago Justin expressed hope of Anne Frank being a belieber, had she lived in our time.
Kinda reminds me of the time Jesus went around saying he was the way and that no one else was the way because he himself was already the way.
A while ago Justin was accused of fathering a child with a 25 year old Miami woman.
Kinda reads like the premise of The Da Vinci Code, doesn’t it?
A while ago Justin was caught spitting in a glass of water that wasn’t his.
Kinda reminds of that time Jesus pulled a prank on Judas and claimed it was holy water.
A while ago Justin attacked a photographer. He also slapped a neighbor and egged his house.
Kinda reminds me of that time Jesus went bananas after seeing his temple had been turned into a farmer’s market.
A while ago Justin sprayed cleaning product on a poster of Bill Clinton, saying ‘Fuck Bill Clinton’.
Kinda reminds me of that time Jesus told the establishment to go fuck itself.
A while ago Justin got served by his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez when she released her song Everybody Knows (Your Boyfriend is a Douchebag).
Kinda reminds me of that time Judas decided he had enough of Jesus’ narcissistic rants about being the son of god and decided to screw him over big time.
A while ago Selena Gomez publicly stated Justin has a very small penis. She claimed its size made it impossible to tell if Justin is horny or not. Later the two hooked up again, albeit briefly.
Kinda reminds me of that time Judas had ratted out Jesus only to betray him once more with a kiss.
A while ago a gossip site took a closer look at Justin’s mug shot. They pointed out the presence of a number of pimples on his face. This lead them to conclude Justin is probably just human.
Kinda reminds me of that time Jesus was nailed to this cross and cynically invited to prove his divinity by coming off. When Jesus refused to do any magic tricks the people concluded he was just human.
A while ago Justin put himself on par with Jesus.
Kinda reminds me of that time Jesus said he was the son of god. A lot of people got worked up about that. Really, a lot of people.
I think it’s safe to say Jesus is not the son of god. He’s the son of you humans. You created Jesus. You created Mohammed. You created Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods and OJ Simpson. You created Hitler, Ghandi and Lady Di.
You created Justin.
Jesus was Savior XP. Justin is Savior 8. Can’t wait till you guys crucify this one.
Like I said: where Jesus fails Justin prevails.
I’m not just any beaver. I’m a beleaver.