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I am a shut-in. Not by nature. By being an illegal alien. From space.

That doesn’t mean I don’t like contact with other beings. And on this planet humans are the best species to have a conversation with.

Believe me, I tried talking to just about anything that breathes oxygen...

Believe me, I tried talking to just about anything that breathes oxygen…

If I strike up a conversation with a human being I would get arrested and sent back to Area 51. Hence I am a recluse in need of contact.

Fortunately this rock has two things. One is the internet. The other is fat virgins who live in their mothers’ basements. The two mix like coffee and creamer.

One dissolves in the other, is what I'm saying.

One dissolves in the other, is what I’m saying.

In real life people can see you live with your mother because no one ever wanted to go on a date with you. In real life people can see the sadness that is you. In real life people are reality’s messengers.
But if your name is
Kittylicker79 no one is concerned with the real you. When your name is Kittylicker79 you are your residual self, the person you want to be. When you’re Kittylicker79, you’re in the Matrix and leather looks good on you. But perhaps that’s because your best friends are Oraloffice46 and Bondgirl_29.

Yes, I joined a dating site.

I know what you must be thinking. I’m an alien. It is impractical and very disturbing. But I don’t intend to ever meet someone in real life. I just use A. van Nerel’s picture and tell people my name is Whoofwhoof82. It’s not like anyone is ever going to meet Little Whoofie, as I like to call himself sometimes.

"Whoofwhoof82 likes to be taught a lesson," it says in his profile.

“Whoofwhoof82 likes to be taught a lesson,” it says in his profile.

These past weeks I’ve had some very interesting conversations. Kittylicker79 is a successful architect. He lives on the beach with his dog. He also has a very large penis. He thinks Little Whoofie is a famous novel writer whose blog has half a million followers and that he likes to be taught a lesson.

We get along very well together. He’s a conspiracy theorist and believes aliens exist, which is of course poignantly ironic. He says he can never meet me because he’s actually married. Fair enough. I get to lie about being human. He gets to lie about having a life. Not at all a bad deal.

I also used van Nerel’s picture on a straight dating site. That’s when Harry1978 met Sallystrutherseatsalot. She’s a college student who’s looking for a long term relationship. She wants to find the father of her child. So I don’t tell her Harry1978 is actually a gay guy named Whoofwhoof82 and she doesn’t tell me she’s old enough to know who Sally Struthers is.

Of course there are plenty of people on dating sites who are real. Great, but they often want to meet in real life. Not gonna happen. I’m an alien, so I have to settle for the fake ones. But that’s only fair. I’m not exactly a beacon of authenticity either when it comes to online dating.

I’m having a lot of fun! It’s great to hear a successful architect like Kittylicker79 talk about 9/11 conspiracies. I once asked his opinion on the Roswell Incident. He told me the government is negotiating with an alien race so they won’t attack Earth. So I told him his wife must feel really lucky to have a guy like Kittylicker79, just to see if he would continue lying about her existence. He did. He even gave me her opinion on the matter. It turns out his wife agrees with him completely.

At the same time college student Sallystrutherseatsalot didn’t know what a Powerpoint Presentation was when I offered to send a portfolio of Harry1978’s paintings. Yes, he’s quite the artist.

Apparently college students can be made to believe this is an original ‘Harry1978’.

Apparently college students can be made to believe this is an original ‘Harry1978’.

Yesterday I told her I am actually an alien from outer space, just to see how she’d react. She thought it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. She likes funny men. She thinks they make great fathers. I told her she’s still in college and too young to have children. She said she is a slow student and in her late twenties. I said Powerpoint is in its late twenties.
Haven’t heard from her since.

That’s okay, because I was getting tired of Sallystrutherseatsalot anyway. I had already struck up a conversation with Whosyourdaddy1962. She’s really nice. Tonight I’m gonna tell her Harry1982 needs to be taught a lesson, right after Kittylicker79 hears of Little Whoofie´s latest screenplay for the next Spiderman installment.

What? So I have fun by lying to people. It’s not like I’m not being lied to. The internet is a great place for a lie to be true. Sometimes people want to be lied to. Who wouldn’t? People can be bitches in real life. Sometimes it’s only natural to retreat to your digital alias where you get to choose your own lie.

I think I will also use van Nerel’s picture to open up a Facebook account. He probably won’t like it if he finds out, but a little while ago he neglected to pay his internet bills in time. I was without internet for three whole days. Someone needs to teach that guy a lesson.

Enjoy your journey, but beware of Oraloffice46, for I get the feeling it may be Bill Clinton.

The ‘names’ of the people mentioned in this article have been altered for privacy reasons, even though I’m pretty sure Sallystrutherseatsalot is actually just Sally Struthers.