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Not too long ago Starbucks, known for writing people’s names on coffee cups, sparked outrage because of their gun ban.

Actually, it wasn’t a ban. It was more like a gun ban request. People are still allowed to get their shots with a Kalashnikov at hand, but they can expect to be frowned upon. Or maybe they’ll stop writing your name on a cup if you carry a pistol.

With that in mind, picture the following conversation:

-Darling, shall we go out for dinner tonight? I’m feeling romantic.
-Sure thing, poops, where shall we go?
-We could go to Toby Keith’s place. He’s a country music star who opened up his own restaurant chain.
-Oh, sweet Jesus, no, my precious kitten!
-Why not, sweets?
-Toby Keith’s restaurants don’t allow guns anymore.
-What?
-It’s on the news. Toby Keith expects us to just sit and eat and have fun.
-Is he crazy?
-He must be. Can you imagine what would happen if Al Qaida were to attack Toby Keith’s restaurant and all we have to fight with are steak knives?
-You got a point there, darling. Where else could we go? I heard Celine Dion’s restaurant accepts guns but not food.
-Let’s go to ‘Chéz Celine’ then…I’d rather starve than not shoot anything.

Toby Keith has sold 40 million records. I had never heard of him, but if I were head of Al Qaida, country music would top my hit list. (Do you see what I did there? I used the word ‘hit list’. That’s a homonym, which is a word that can take on different meanings. ‘Hit list’ refers to music charts as well as a list of targets. I’m just brilliant that way.)

Hi, I’m Lester and language is my bitch, which is why I suck at it whenever I feel like it.

Hi, I’m Lester and language is my bitch, which is why I suck at it whenever I bloody well feel like it.

Be that as it may, Toby Keith has become a target for gun rights advocates. The reason is simple: He has banned guns in his establishments.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised this is an issue in a country where one out of every three people believes evolution is baloney that should be served in Toby Keith’s restaurants.

Pictured: The theory of evolution. (See what I did with the word 'baloney'? Did you see!?)

Pictured: The theory of evolution. (See what I did with the word ‘baloney’? Did you see!?)

Is it me, or do people in restaurants expect to pepper a Caesar Salad and not other people?

Sure, Toby Keith makes country music. Regardless of his own beliefs, his choice of music renders him redneckish and his music no doubt smells of tobacco and whiskey. Still, it’s not like you’re having shots at ‘Tupac’s Terrace’ or eating a ‘B.I.G. Mac’.

What could possibly happen at Toby Keith’s restaurant that requires the use of a gun? How bad does the food need to be for a gun to become relevant in such a place?

Fawlty Towers: Worst service, worst food, worst waitor; no guns required

Fawlty Towers: Worst manager, worst food, worst waitor; no guns required

You know what, guys? I’m spending more time having fun with language than I am addressing the issue. I guess that means I just don’t care anymore. I don’t have anything against gun ownership, but I do think it’s common decency not to be armed when you’re in a restaurant, unless of course you like having limbs for dinner.

It’s not just common decency. It’s common sense, not unlike evolution. But perhaps some people don’t evolve to the beat of Toby Keith.

Anyone who disagrees is welcome to set up camp in Pearl Harbor and wait for the Japanese to strike again. Just stay there! I don’t care if your balls are carrying guns. Please stop firing that Second Amendment crap at people the way a petulant child guilt trips you into buying ice cream.

Stop treating your gun as if it’s your wiener that’s about to be marinated by Toby Keith.

And for those of you who, like me, have had enough of gun rights advocates crying like babies when they can’t take their toys with them, here’s a fun puzzle: there are 17 homonyms in this post, including the ones I pointed out. If you can find them, you’ll win a meet and greet with me win a place in my heart get to pick the title for my next post. No matter what the title, I’ll write a post about it.

I’m just that awesome.

What? You think I’m full of myself?

Shoot me.

As a beaver I may be physically incapable of masturbating, but I can sure as hell toot my own horn!

As a beaver I may be physically incapable of masturbating, but I can sure as hell toot my own horn!

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