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I’ve always been fascinated by the story of the SS Waratah.

Pictured: SS Waratah.

Pictured: SS Waratah.

We all know the story of Titanic, about how the band played on until Celine Dion took over. The story of the SS Waratah is much more intriguing. It’s a mystery, whereas the Titanic has been visited by James Cameron 33 times.

The SS Waratah was a ship that set sail from Durban in 1909. It was (probably) caught in a storm and never seen or heard from again. No wreck, no distress call, no floating debris, no survivors, no life jackets, no floating bodies.

No James Cameron.

People have searched the SS Waratah for ages. No one knows where it is or what happened to it. People don’t even know where to look anymore.

Some think it encountered a rogue wave and went Poseidon. Others think it lost steering capability and drifted off to the Antarctic. Some argue it simply capsized because of a design flaw.

I really like how nobody knows anything, which is why every theory gets credit. If you have proof of the SS Waratah being beamed up by an alien race, people will listen to it.

Doubt is such an inspiring mental state.

It’s what I like about conspiracy theories. They thrive on doubt. They feed on doubt. They are doubt.

As a beaver, I’m fascinated by how far people can go sometimes. Conspiracy believers aren’t nuts, they are doubters. Even when faced with certainty, a conspiracy theorist will doubt.

Perhaps you humans need people like that. Maybe a conspiracy theorist is the opposite of an obedient sheep. The two don’t like each other, but they are definitely in bed together. It’s the one marriage that creates balance in your free world.

So when someone says the moon landings were faked, it doesn’t matter whether Neil Armstrong was an astronaut or an actor. We’re just reminded of the fact we shouldn’t believe everything we hear without thinking it over.

Of course conspiracy believers tend to be like extremists sometimes. They don’t quit until you agree with them. This can be irritating. Nobody wants to go to a birthday party and end up having this conversation:

-Say Gerry, how are you?
-I’m fine. I just read this really interesting article on www.thegovernmentiscriminal.truthisoutthere.org I think you will like too. It’s a study about Neil Armstrong’s facial expressions during his public appearances before and after that supposed moon landing all those sheeple still believe in.
-Did you now?
-Yeah, I liked www.thegovernmentiscriminal.truthisoutthere.org on Facebook. I get all their updates straight away. You should like them too. Good stuff. Apparently studies have shown Neil Armstrong was probably lying because his left eyebrow twitched more after he landed on the moon, or ‘Area 51 Studio’ I should say.
-So how are the children?
-They are doing fine. The oldest just learned to read, so I made her read www.thegovernmentiscriminal.truthisoutthere.org. We sometimes read it together before I let her watch Teletubbies, who are actually a perfect metaphor for capitalist greed.
-So I heard your wife wants a divorce.
-Yeah, she doesn’t understand what I do is important.

I tell you, hell is a place where every conversation goes on like this so long you’d wish hell had burning fires just for the sake of distraction.

Still, conspiracy theorists make you question things like Can you really hijack a plane with box cutters? or Where can one buy a magic bullet? or Do conspiracy theorists have a life? You’ll never have a definitive answer. There will always be doubt, but that’s okay. Doubt makes you wiser. You just need to stop it when you think Beyoncé and her Illuminati friends communicate with each other in music videos. Even if they do, just look at Beyoncé as if she’s a hot chick with boobs and sexy dance moves, the way normal people look at her. Love is more fun that way. And if the Illuminati are real and you posed a threat, you’d be dead already.

-Actually, Gerry, I’m with your wife on this one: I don’t get why the stuff you do is important either.

I for one hope they never find the SS Waratah. It would kill the mystery to know what happened to it. Some mysteries are best left untouched by James Cameron.

Of course this post is just part of a conspiracy to make you believe conspiracies aren’t true. I first had you believing beavers can blog. Now you’ll believe anything.