I have an addiction. It’s bad. I didn’t know about it until last Friday. I’m addicted to the internet. Last Friday my internet connection went out. It just stopped.
I am also an alien from outer space, which is where things get complicated.
You see, when I crash landed near Roswell in 1947 I was immediately captured. I spent all my time in Area 51, until I escaped in 2008. I know the internet wasn’t a thing before Justin Bieber was born. I know you Homo sapiens survived without the internet a full 300.000 years (or 6.500 if you don’t like the prospect of whatever the internet says will happen to you if you believe Noah never met a dinosaur). Still, I am lost without it.
I don’t know any better or people have internet.
As I said, it started last Friday. It just went dead. That happens sometimes. No big deal. You just have to find something else to do for a few minutes. I considered masturbating (yes, aliens do it too, get over it), but in the end I just ate some fruit.
When I came back, I still had no internet. Fine. That can happen. Usually resetting the router does the trick. The person whose house I’m hiding under doesn’t know there’s a space alien underneath his floor, so I broke into his car and put it into neutral. By the time his car had come to a stop in the middle of the road and was creating a traffic jam, my ‘landlord’ had to leave his house for a few minutes, allowing me to sneak inside and reset the router. Works every time.
Not this time, though. I still had no internet. That’s when I started to become restless. I started to feel lightheaded. When I sat still, I wanted to move around and vice versa. Nothing could relax me. I tried troubleshooting my internet connection problem, but as it turns out you need the internet to do that.
Damn you humans and your technology. My laptop actually started looking on the internet for solutions to me not having internet.
Being an illegal alien I can only move around when it’s dark. My memory is hazy as to how I spent the next few hours waiting for the sun to set. I have cuts in my wrists I don’t remember getting.
When the sun was finally under, I went by other people’s houses. No one was watching TV or talking to each other, so I knew it was only me that had no internet. My ‘landlord’ probably didn’t pay his bill, for which I will burst his tires later.
I realize this is extreme. I’ve never been suicidal, but last Friday I came close. I even checked my laptop to see if there was a wiki on how aliens can best off themselves…until of course I realized one needs the internet for that.
So I started hitting my head against the wall when I realized I shouldn’t do that, cause last time my ‘landlord’ heard it and figured he had rats. Apparently aliens are highly sensitive to rat poison. I was unconscious for two days.
I knew I was left with one option. You humans have tons of places with free wifi, but none are hospitable for an alien from Burkina Faso. If I looked any more like E.T. people might think I’m a kid in a costume. Sadly, I stand out too much.
I would love to go to Starbucks for free wifi and a coffee, but they always want to write your name on the cup, because one simply cannot can’t drink fair trade coffee without a scent of own identity thrown in. People might suspect you don’t take yourself seriously.
No, I needed free wifi in a place where there are no people around. I hated it, but I had to go to a dumpster behind McDonald’s, for it’s the only place where they don’t take out the trash.
Right now I’m sitting with my laptop in a dumpster. I would sit inside McDonald’s, but I’m an alien and people tend to notice that. I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I’ve been back to my house every night to check if it had wifi. So far no luck. It’s been two days already. It’s extremely uncomfortable, but at least I have internet. It’s slow, but it’s something.
When I came online, I found an article about Niue. It’s a country of less than 2.000 people. It’s also the only country on this rock that’s entirely covered in free wifi. Perhaps I should move there.
Enjoy your journey, but beware of Starbucks, for seriously guys, it’s just coffee, so stop being pretentious about it.