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You’d think being an illegal alien in hiding is exciting. Not the case.
If the American government knew where I was, they’d no doubt send a unit to come pick me up and put me back in Area 51. But I get the impression their mind is elsewhere. Back in 1947 when my space ship crash landed on Earth, they made sure I didn’t fall into the hands of communists. More recently, they were afraid of Al Qaida recruiting me. Seeing as I drew a cartoon of Mohammed with a big penis the other day, I doubt there are any job opportunities for me in Afghanistan.

I guess the American government is fine with me being on this planet as long as I don’t appear on FOX News.

But it’s not just the government that has lost interest. Everybody has, Americans and non-Americans alike.

When I started writing for this site, I modestly expected to go viral. I mean, who wouldn’t want to catch up on this mysterious Roswell Alien? As it turned out, a lot of people wouldn’t.

I sometimes get the impression people don’t believe I really am the Roswell Alien. It’s as if they think I’m just A. van Nerel’s pitiful pseudonym. And obviously, why on Earth would people care for him. He does nothing but write letters to fictional people. It’s sadder than reality TV!

But me? Come on, I’m an alien from outer space talking to you! This is historic. I would say it’s ‘legendary’, but I’m afraid Barney owns the rights to that word.

Unable to understand why FOX News hasn’t called yet, I did some research. What is it you people look for when you scour the net? A simple Google search answered all my questions. There are various top 10 lists for various countries and categories. They all paint the same picture. I took down Google’s top 10 search terms of last year, which I found here.

Allow me to comment:

1. Porn
Thank you, internet. Porn used to be exciting. It used to be secretive. Now porn is the click of a button when your parents are out. It’s the click of a button when your wife is taking a shower. It’s the click of a button when there’s nothing on TV.
Some humans are insatiable, which is why porn is what you search for the most when you go online. And you’re being told so by the Roswell Alien, the only living thing here on Earth that answers the question Are you alone in the universe?

Ever heard of '2 girls 1 cup'? That's headed to this place at the speed of light as we speak. Great job, guys!

Ever heard of ‘2 girls 1 cup’? That’s headed to this place at the speed of light as we speak. Great job, guys!

It’s not that I have anything against porn. I used to watch porn on my home planet of Burkina Faso. Sometimes I even miss porn – for obvious reasons, human porn is just a low budget Animal Planet documentary to me.

Still, wouldn’t it be nice if porn became a sin again? Wouldn’t that rekindle some of the magic that porn once was? Would it be a terrible idea if Debbie did Dallas again? (Come to think of it, if that girl did all of Dallas, she’s probably the one that shot J.R., but never mind.)

2. Facebook
The next three in this list are baffling to me. I always thought Google was intended to search things. When you search for something that implies you don’t know where it is. So if Facebook is such a popular search term that would mean millions of people don’t know where Facebook is.

If you can remember the word ‘Facebook’, is it really so difficult to remember ‘facebook.com’?

3. Youtube
Again, if you’re blessed with the mental capacity to store the word ‘Youtube’, how many brain cells does it take to add ‘.com’? Why use Google for this?

4. Google
Are you guys kidding me? Why on Earth would one google Google? You don’t see that many tourists on top of the Eiffel Tower asking for directions to the Eiffel Tower, do you? I’m not even going to try understanding this. You are humans, I am an alien. Let’s agree to be different and leave it at that.

5. What is love and how can I get it?
If this had been number one, I would have applauded it. I guess humans prefer to watch porn first, only to find the long lost lands of Facebook, Youtube and Google. Now it’s love’s turn.

Still, had ‘Roswell Alien’ made the top 10 list, I would have gladly yielded my position in favor of love.

For those of you reading this, let me answer these questions once and for all:
Love = pheromones + dopamine + serotonin + norepinephrine + vasopressin + oxytocin. Simple as that. Just mix them all together and let it stand for a while, the way you would allow a cheese to ripen.

If your local Target doesn’t supply you with the ingredients above, consider this alternative:
Love = Irresponsible amounts of alcohol + loud music muting all intelligent conversation in favor of random catch phrases + dim lighting + more alcohol.
If necessary, add more alcohol.

How to get love?
Dear Googlers, one doesn’t get love. It just happens. And if it doesn’t, at least you still have your porn.

6. Book summaries
I can get behind this one. You see, not all famous writers are good at what they do: Shakespeare did to literature what Nelson Mandela did to humanity. Stephanie Meyer caused a drop in oil prices by inspiring people to burn her books instead.

Naturally, you need to know what a book is about before you buy it. My guess is fewer people would have bought ‘Twilight’ had they stumbled upon its summary: Cute looking geriatric with skin as cold as ice stalks girl with the IQ of a woodpecker. He really wants to drink her blood, but settles on having sex with her and impregnates her with a vampire baby. The End.

A decent online book summary could have prevented Stephanie Meyer from ever selling a copy. I certainly hope this one will be higher on next year’s list.

7. Describe a vagina
Really? After going through all that porn you still need someone to describe a vagina for you? What part of porn are you not getting? I’m an alien who’s never seen a human vagina in real life and even I know what they look like.

I’m not even going to dignify this with an answer. In this day and age, there is simply no excuse for not knowing what a vagina looks like. If porn has to be on this list, watch more of it so you don’t have to google Describe a vagina ever again.

8. What is the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Finally! I guess once people know what a vagina looks like, they start asking questions about why, and to what end. That ultimately leads to the ultimate question of life.

The answer is simple: We don’t know. We never did. We never will. That’s what keeps things interesting. Life has no meaning if we knew its meaning, so either way you look at it life has meaning.
A vagina has meaning too. You can even do things with it, or to it, depending on its owner. After a while though, you’ll realize there’s more to life. That’s why you humans should stop googling Describe a vagina and embrace the joy of not knowing what the hell you’re doing here on this rock in an otherwise rather boring corner of the Galaxy.

9. Yahoo
I’m sure Yahoo is a nice search engine. But why would I search for a search engine if I’m already on a search engine? Does Yahoo do a better job at describing vaginas?

10. Sport scores
Seriously? Do they matter? Sport scores are just numbers that have virtually no effect on society. I mean, it’s not like you’re checking who got offed on the hunger games, right?

So those were the top ten search terms for the year 2012. 2013 is drawing to a close. It’ll be exciting to see what people searched for this year. Do people still google Google? Do they still watch porn? Are they still looking for love?

I accept the fact that not a lot of people are interested in me, even though I traveled 310 light years to get here. I alone am proof of the fact you guys are not alone in the universe. Then again, better make sure you know what a vagina looks like before you reach for the stars.

Enjoy your journey, but beware of love, for it sneaks up on you like that alien from ALIEN and once it gets you there is no escaping it.