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We’re guilty of a terrible crime. Not just you humans. All of us, humans and animals alike. We’re disgusting.

It’s because we breathe oxygen. We can’t live without it.

Be my guest, take a deep breath and consider the following:

Oxygen is a waste product. It’s plant poo. You like taking a breath of fresh air? That’s 78% Nitrogen, 2% Carbon Dioxide and Water Vapor and 20% plant poo.

Those rising CO2 levels suddenly don’t seem so bad anymore, do they? The more fuel you guys burn, the less poo you’ll breathe.

Global Warming: It's not ALL bad...

Global Warming: It’s not ALL bad…

We love oxygen so much we often forget Earth was doing just fine without it. It even sustained life when oxygen was still rarer than unobtainium.

Yes, James Cameron, I referenced your movie. Now please stop writing me letters!

There, James Cameron, I referenced your movie. Now please stop writing me letters!

The first organisms on this planet were happy little microbes. They’re believed to have lived about 3.8 billion years ago. Were they oxygen addicts like us? No, they were not.

You humans have come to view this planet as yours, but let’s be honest: it belongs to those microbes. They were the first to live here. This is their home.

Unfortunately for our microscopic friends, Earth’s early history reads like a never ending Michael Bay movie.

Pictured: Michael Bay wet dream.

Pictured: Michael Bay wet dream.

For millions of years, Earth was bombarded by meteorites. These meteorites carried all sorts of fun stuff like carbon and amino acids and other words smart people use.

Although these microbes owed their very existence to these meteorites, they became ambitious. They used Michael Bay’s sediments to evolve into more complex bacteria. And that’s when they fucked themselves over. We don’t know which microbe was the first one to engage in photosynthesis. We do know this bacterial trick soon went viral: bacteria were photosynthesizing all over the place. And like every other complex organism, they pooped: oxygen.

Basically, oxygen is the evil fruit of a space attack that lasted millions of years.

Make no mistake about it. Oxygen is evil. It’s aggressive. It eats metal. It burns. And worst of all, those early microbes couldn’t survive it. Those that refused to poo were forced to retreat to the quietest corners of this planet, all because of millions of years of Michael Bay.

Imagine that, Earth’s earliest life form fell victim to its own ambition.

Once Earth’s earliest inhabitants were done for, there was no stopping it. The way oxygen took over this planet makes humanity’s colonialism look like a friendly neighborly visit.

Europeans

Europeans killed a lot of Native Americans, but at least they didn’t fart them to death the way bacteria killed their ancestors.

Bet you feel kinda stupid now, heah, with your green energy, solar panels and biofuels? They’re the molecular equivalent of Henry Ford, who supported the Nazis the way clean energy supports the environment. And let’s face it: in the history of this planet, oxygen is the biggest Nazi ever! It has killed more organisms than anything else. Sure, it gave birth to a superior race, but I think we can all agree that sounds icky.

This is the face of photosynthesis to our microbe friends.

This could be the face of photosynthesis to our microbe friends.

And don’t be going all German on me now, saying Ich habe es nicht gewüsst. One can learn this stuff from watching the Discovery Channel. You just never wanted to admit it, because you like breathing oxygen so much. I’ll admit it. I like oxygen too, but I can’t hide from the terrible truth: oxygen is evil.

Fortunately, you humans are already working on the solution: burn everything.

If you really love the Earth, you need to burn it. Rid this poor planet of its toxic intruder. Don’t just buy SUV’s. Keep ‘em running all day long. Don’t drive to the grocery store. Fly there. Do you have a Christmas tree in your house, emitting its poo all day long? Burn it. You think Rosa Parks should’ve sat in the front of the bus? I agree, but you really should have given her her own bus.

You guys have been changing the climate for a while now. Deep down inside you probably know oxygen is the poo of bacterial supremacism. Who would want to breathe that? That’s why you work so hard to increase those CO2 levels, isn’t it?
Smart thinking.

3,8 billion years ago the Earth belonged to microbes. Innocent, peaceful and adorable microbes. Then oxygen wiped them out. We all know it’s wrong. I’ll be the first one to say it: we need to give back the Earth to its original owners. Continue your fight against oxygen!

Pictured: No leafs. No poo. No oxygen.

Pictured: No leafs. No poo. Less oxygen.

Unless of course there is another reason why you guys keep burning up this planet like it’s Ann Coulter at an Al Qaida pot roast?
Cause this is the only thing I can come with that remotely makes sense.

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