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Dear Jack,

There’s a bomb on a bus. If it goes above 50, it is armed. If it drops below 50, it goes off. What do you do?
What. Do. You. Do?

Would you blow the bus’s tires to prevent it from ever reaching 50?

Cause that would pretty much prevent a lot of mayhem, wouldn’t it?

For reasons that will forever be a mystery, you chased this bus like a rodeo bull. And in the end you boarded this bus at 50+ miles per hour.

It just begs the question: are you stupid?

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy you flirting with the bus driver after the tension you unnecessarily caused sparked a confrontation that shot the previous bus driver. But would that dude have been shot if you had just shot the tires? Probably not, heah?

Again, your movie was awesome, but I can’t help but ask myself: are you stupid?

It’s not like you weren’t impressive when you defied science by airlifting a bus over a 30 feet gap in the road. Somehow you knew the laws of nature were more like guidelines that day. That’s why you speeded the bus up to its maximum speed, explaining the title of the movie to those that were too lazy to breathe oxygen up to the age of two.

I know the LAPD is known to break a few laws every now and then. I just didn’t know the laws of gravity were among them. Unless of course you actually believed buses stay airborne at 90 miles per hour. Cause that would just beg the question: are you stupid?

In an already bad day for public transportation, you drove onto LAX Airport. Let me put that differently using facts: you drove an out of control bus with ‘enough C4 to blow a hole in the Earth’ up the tarmac of one of the busiest places on that Earth. Wouldn’t a busy airport be the last place you’d wanna risk creating a hole in the Earth? And forgive me, but doesn’t that beg that question: are you stupid?

In other words: is more of this stuff missing in your head?

In other words: is more of this stuff missing in your head?

Jack, I like your balls. You’re arguably not the sharpest tool in the shed, but you did lower yourself down on a trolley. And then you tried to disarm a bomb under a bus at 50+ miles per hour. I would never have done that. Kudos! Kinda stupid maybe, but all the braver for it.

You finally discover the bad guy has a live video feed of the bus’s interior. Guess he was watching another show when you left the bus and later came on board from underneath it. Anyway, you fool the bomber by looping a minute of tape, allowing passengers to disembark. Actually, that’s not half bad.

But after that you set the bus free at 50+ miles an hour. On an airport. With thousands of people. That’s kind of reckless and, dare I say it, stupid.

Considering you could've shot the tires...

Considering you could’ve just shot the tires…

As luck would have it, the bus explodes and destroys a cargo plane and no one gets killed. It was the moment we had all been waiting for. It was no disappointment. The explosion was so awesome it was probably visible from space.

And yet you assumed it would not make the news. I know 9/11 changed everything, but wouldn’t an explosion like that justify shutting down the airport, regardless of Osama? Is the entire LAPD stupid? I thought they were just corrupt.

But okay, if you can defy gravity, why not defy common sense while you’re at it? Perhaps that explains why you thought it was a good idea to bring your new bus driving girlfriend to the place where you went to arrest the bomber. How did she end up there?

Int. Police Car, Day

Jack and Annie, having just survived an explosive hostage situation, drive away from the airport.

ANNIE: So what’s gonna happen now?
JACK: We’re gonna go to his place.
ANNIE: The bomber’s?
JACK: Yeah.
ANNIE: Okay, you can drop me off anywhere.
JACK: Aren’t you coming with me?
ANNIE: What!? Why? I’m not a cop.
JACK: Yeah, but I rather fancy you.
ANNIE: But it could be dangerous. Why don’t we meet tonight at Starbucks. We’ll have a drink and talk about our day.
JACK: Listen, Wildcat, I promise you nothing will happen to you.
ANNIE: But you can’t exactly promise that, right?
JACK: Annie, listen to me: Today I defied gravity, logic and common sense.
ANNIE: And look at the mess you created! Have you seen the airport?
JACK: Someone will clean that up. Listen, it’s not going to be dangerous.
ANNIE: But what if the bomber sees me?
JACK: He won’t see you, I promise.
ANNIE: Are you sure?
JACK: Annie, after everything we’ve been through these last one hour and fifty-one minutes, you should know you can trust me, right?
ANNIE: Okay, if you say so. Still, wouldn’t it be safer to meet up later tonight? I’ll still have sex with you, if that’s what you’re worried about.
JACK: Thanks, Annie, it is certainly a relief to hear that. Regardless, you’re coming with me. Let’s fight some more crime together.
ANNIE: I’m not sure relationships based on stress last long.
JACK: We’ll have to base it on that sex you spoke of earlier.

End scene

Is it me, or is was it kind of stupid to take your new girlfriend with you? Because we all know what happened next: the bomber took her hostage and attached her to some C4 he had bought at Home Depot. He even shot and killed a subway driver when he took over a train.
Tell me, you think that would have happened if you had just shot the tires?

In the end your balls win the day. At least, you manage to kill the bomber. Now you’re stuck on a runaway subway train and your girlfriend is tied up to a pole. What do you do?

You speed the fucker up. Sure, why not? At this point I’m already so used to speed I’d be disappointed if you tried anything else.

In a stroke of luck, your train derails, surfaces and only then starts losing its momentum. It gently comes to a stop in the middle of the street, where you and Annie decide sex is better than stress. (Never mind about that dead subway driver that was still in his cabin a few yards from where you guys started making out.)

So are you stupid?

Well, I can’t deny you have your moments, but one has to wonder: what if you had just shot the bus’s tires? I’m sure the Airport Authorities would have preferred that outcome. And that bus driver that got shot. And that subway driver that got shot. And the owner of that Jaguar you confiscated. And the Los Angeles County Metropolitan Transportation Authority. And the people of Los Angeles.

Just shoot the tires next time, you douchebag.

Just shoot the tires next time, you douchebag.

Just saying, a little brain power never hurt anyone.

Kind regards,

A. van Nerel