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Dear Icarus,

Tough luck. I guess that best describes your fate. Tough luck duct tape was not a thing in your time.

Let’s recap: you and your dad were stuck on the island of LOST Crete. Your father, most likely an avid pot smoker, thought of making wings from birds’ feathers and attaching them to your arms with wax.

Is it me, or is this totally gay?

Is it me, or is this totally gay? And why were you both naked? And where is your penis?

My guess is your dad was a Buddhist: I can fly if I believe I can.

Your dad ignored gravity like the Catholic Church would later do with child abuse. And it almost totally worked!

In mythology’s bitch slap to the Wright Brothers, you and your father defied gravity and escaped the island.

Of course, every great story needs a bit of conflict. Your dad had warned you not to fly too close to the sun. You, being your youthful self, gave your dad the finger and flew higher and higher.

The wax that held your wings to your body melted. Your wings detached and well, the rest is history.

Bummer...

Bummer…

Some might say that’s what you get for flying too high. But I say you deserved a second chance. I’m pretty sure that by the time you were falling to your death you had learned your lesson. And what’s the use of a lesson if you don’t live to enjoy it? After all, that’s the entire premise of Full House: one of the Olsen Twins acts cute for 15 minutes, then does something bad. Then Bob Saget explains the moral of the story and the next week the other Olsen Twin does exactly the same.

No Olsen Twin ever died on account of too much ambition. And god knows they’re way more ambitious than you ever were.

Probably had more wax jobs too...

Probably had more wax jobs too…

Some say your story teaches us not to overachieve. I say your story teaches us to always keep some duct tape at hand. Duct tape would have saved your life. In our time, it could have saved so many:

Pictured: No duct tape.

Pictured: No duct tape.

What? You think disasters happen because we want too much, because we’re too confident? Well, maybe in the old days. But like you, we learned our lesson. We just got a second chance.

What’s that, Icarus, you think we’re flying too close to the sun? Don’t be daft, silly! Sure, Marie Curie filled out the periodic table like a crossword puzzle and died from radiation poisoning. Einstein figured atoms could piss off Japan, a side effect of which was the Cold War.
Then again, do you know what saved the lives of the Apollo 13 astronauts? That’s right, duct tape. And they were closer to the sun than you, my friend.

So I thank you dearly for warning mankind of the dangers of overachieving. But I think we’re okay. We just need to make sure we have enough duct tape.

Or do we?

Kind regards,

A. van Nerel

 

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