Tags
Bishop, Chess, Feminism, Gay marriage, Humor, King, Lesbian, Queen, Queen Elizabeth, Sarcasm, Satire
Dear Queen,
Yes, you! I’m actually addressing the queen of chess. Bet you weren’t expecting that.
You’re kinda aggressive. Whenever you share a square with someone, someone dies. In most cases, it’s not you. You make this woman look like Mother Theresa:
Pictured: Queen Elizabeth I: chopped off more heads than all of France’s revolutions combined.
Out of all the chess pieces, you’re definitely the most homicidal. In chess, it’s like you’re the one piece that’s continuously having the world’s worst PMS, that’s how edgy you are when people come into your space.
I can understand your frustration, though. Think about it: you’re married to a king who can only move one square at the time. You however are tasked with protecting the king, even though you’re way more capable than he is. You move from one end of the chess board to the other in a heartbeat, in any direction you damn well please. You’re the one assassin that literally comes out of nowhere to strike her enemy down. Essentially, your relationship with the king is like this:
Love is love, so no judgment, but I’m pretty sure which one will be the first to break a hip.
You’re both provider and caretaker, but you know you’re wasting the good years of your life. You just know it, your majesty. That’s why you wreak havoc on every chess board you’re on.
Be honest, you must have fantasized about this at one time or another.
You’re just expressing your frustration of being stuck in a relationship with an old fart that takes forever to die. To make matters worse, there seems to be no escaping your fate.
Good news, though. There is hope. And it’s called feminism.
Now tell me that doesn’t look much more exciting than a game of chess.
You see, out of all the chess pieces, you are the most powerful. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men (and even his bishops) would be lost without you. Why on Earth do you keep working your royal ass off for the sake of that old geezer that calls himself king? Stand up for yourself, majesty! You’re a strong, independent women. Act like it!
So here’s my suggestion. Next time you find yourself in the middle of a game of chess, take charge. You earned it. And who do you think pieces will listen to? They only bow to their king because everyone does. But you they fear. On a chess board, no place is a safe hiding spot for a queen like you.
And you know what? You’re not the only queen in town. As luck would have it, there’s also a neighborhood full of black people – that’s not racist, they just happen to be black.
See?
Among them is another queen, just like you. The two of you should form an alliance. Together there’s nothing you can’t do.
Dear Majesty, with gay marriage being a thing these days, allow me to introduce you to your new wife.
Yes, your majesty, I’m suggesting you turn against your husband, start a relationship with a black queen and wipe out each and every man on the playing field.
Or maybe my idea of feminism is just wrong.
Ah, so killing men and world domination aren’t part of the plan?
Either way, ditch that no good weakling of a husband and start living a little!
Kind regards,
A. van Nerel
SATIRE NATION 
Hahaha this was great– and my boyfriend was immediately worried when he saw me reading something with this headline 😉 I like the Rod Stewart photo– I dated an old guy for a year. Pretty sure he’s nigh on to the hip-replacing time of his life now.
Hey there, thanks for the compliment…and just to be clear: I have nothing against young women dating older men…I just think the king of chess is dating way out of his league;)
I was never any good a chess, and now I know why: lack of empathy.
Good one! Well, if you ever have a go at chess again, respect that queen of yours! She deserves it;)